Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
