im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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