when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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