Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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