Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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