she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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