My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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