my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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