Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
