my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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