Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
