I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
