I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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