His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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