i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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