Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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