just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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