I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
