whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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