naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
