Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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