put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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