Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
