I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I have so many feelings about this burrito
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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