Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It's blow job season.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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