I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
