just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
