Moan for me like Helen Keller
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize