Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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