Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
