theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
