he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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