Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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