I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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