i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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