I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
