I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
