u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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