this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize