I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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