Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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