I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
