If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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