there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
