Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
