We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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