I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
