I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
