I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
