i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
