and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
