So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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