If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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