Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
