Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
