So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
