He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
