i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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